is anyone there?

it's easy to feel lost,

but only once you're lost can you truly be found.

you caught my words in midair,

the silence hung as you caught my eye.

conversations,

locked away in my mind.

wine makes things better.

i can't hate you, i don't have it in me.

i hate how you made me feel then and how it still makes me feel now.

to feel dirty and used and disgusting,

just like you told me i was.

part of me knows that's not real and part of me questions it all now.

almost cancer but not quite yet.

this will be fun to deal with, with shitty words in the back of my mind.

cheers.

energy.

1. patient a dies
2. i come on shift in a different patient group
3. patient b dies, one of mine
4. patient b taken to morgue after family leaves
5. patient a's family wants to view the body, as new family members arrive from out of town
6. i volunteer to take them with a social worker and security
7. on the way to the morgue, social worker calls me by patient b's name
8. what?

it was not a common name.
i have never even seen social worker before.
social worker tells me she knows nobody by that name, and isn't sure why she said it.

9. arrive in morgue where both patient a and b are
10. ponder life

that felt strange.

your last breath was an exasperated sigh.

miss seuss.

you meant what you said and you said what you meant,

(an elephant's faithful one hundred percent.)

it takes a good friend to say what you said.

you aren't an elephant, but i know you'll pick up what i lay down. 

minds race when you can't sleep.

time flies when you're trying to slow it down.

the more you untangle, the faster it comes and the more woven it all gets.

confusing memories and dreams gets the best of you.

come back down, 

stay grounded.

dear boy,

this is no motherfucking avicii song.

this is when you realise that actions speak louder than words.

out with the old, and in with the new.

we'll love again, but just not each other.

i will love you where it matters,
and i will love you when it counts.

hindsight.

you are not nearly quite the person i thought you were.

which is too bad for me, and too bad for you.

patients, perspective.

one fellow never ceases to amaze me.

debilitating illness is one thing when you're 90, but something entirely different when you should be at work and have teenage children.

the courage and strength he brings each day are more than i could imagine.

facing challenges every single day, he still manages to laugh and put a smile on everyone around him.

perception is key in life.

seeing his coping makes me wonder why i worry about the small stuff. 

it makes you realize what the important things in life truly are.

never again will i take scratching my face or blowing my nose for granted.

wine.

while it may not be for some,
this is the first step in my path to recovery.

love comes slow, and it goes so fast. 

I do not like it sam i am.

shut up sam.

i do not want it in a box or with a fox,

or whereverthefuck with a whateverthefuck.

who knows what i want just stay the fuck away.

stupid fox.

worst part of the job.

it's not the rude patients or the rude families.
it's not the demanding demented patients.
it's not the confused wandering ones who creep into other patients' rooms and steal their food.
it's not the grouchy old men who hit on you.
it's not cleaning people up or changing diapers.
it's not paging doctors repeatedly until they finally call you back to clarify orders.
it's not the heavy lifting or the long hours on your feet.
it's not the long days, or evenings, or nights.
it's not missing out on weekend fun because you have to go in to work.
it's not the lack of sleep.


it's that moment when you find your patient unresponsive.
the moment you pick up the phone to tell him his mother unexpectedly passed.
the moment you hear the awful look he must have had on his face.
the moment you give him your condolences and hand him her belongings.

the moment when you become the last person to see someone alive.

nostalgia.

it brings out the worst in us, in the best of times.

don't you forget.

it 's April 21.
how welcome i felt around you will never be matched.
may you rest in peace.



you will always be the small dog in shorts on the night time page,
but you will always have such a big place in my heart.
go dawg go.

current life status.

alive.
working.
working out?
new people are coming in and old ones are going out.
it's a bit lame how that happens, i feel visits come and go in cycles and revolving doors are stupid.
sometimes your purse gets stuck between the door and the frame.
it's a bit sad sometimes to think of the what if's and all the potential possibilities.

me vs them.

it's hard to figure out when exactly you lose yourself.
sometimes the realization comes quickly when you're driving down a highway or on the couch watching tv.
it can hit you like a ton of bricks and send your mind spinning out of control.
or it can slowly creep up on you and you only notice you weren't you, when you became you again.

losing you is a gradual process.
one too many compromises, one too many times you gave in.
even being determined not to lose you is no guarantee of keeping you.

oh what's that?

you just got gas for the first time in over a month?
that's because you insisted on taking my car, ass.

good thing you have no spawn.
fuck you.

it's been a while.

it's been a while for a lot of things.

just now i deleted the music i downloaded when we first met.
i don't listen to it.
and if i hear it, it just reminds me of you.
i don't need to question things anymore.

you say one thing and just do another, and i don't really have the time for that.
i was distracted, stressed, anxious, and tired.
for weeks.
after barely weeks.
how is that any good?

your actions reaffirm my decision.
they give me confidence in what i wanted.
they assure me of your character.

they say actions speak louder than words.
well, you're yelling now.