disorganised thoughts.

but not behavior.
you're in for a real treat.
drunk blogging is my most honest.
well, perhaps not.
i'm always honest.
this is me at my rawest.

late nights,
girlfriends,
wine nights.

therapy sessions without intentions.
aggressions, regressions, reflections.

way back when,
i used those boys to fill the void.

did you ever feel love again?
did you ever feel loved again?
i did.
i do.

sometimes the key to growing up is to not grow up.
i'll be silly and do what i want.
nobody will tell me not to.

once you start selling do you ever go back?
who knows if i can love that.
you know how it is.
you know how it was.
so does everyone else.
i don't know if this is a chapter in your life i can contribute to.

today i saw a red arrow bus shuttle.
i wondered what the reaction would be if i just got on it.
who knows to where.
the next bus out from here to there.
i heard my parents on my voicemail, i saw their faces.
i went home instead.

if napping is good therapy i need more of it.
sometimes you make me nervous.
what i wouldn't give to have you chosen differently.
to have you decide what i wished.

i remember when i kissed you last.
kissing is different than kissing back.
i don't remember when you kissed me last.

days are up.
some days are down.
stoicism is the game i play.
it's good to have ladies who feel the same.
at least about what they miss and want.
it's harder when you're older and it's less hopeful.

perhaps i will buy a leather jacket,
and cry for others in pajamas.

in monopoly i want boardwalk but i just get baltic.
fuck baltic i get mediterranean.
i will be the iron to iron out the kinks.
someone buy me star wars monopoly?
pleasepleaseplease it's been years and it's nowhere to be found.

if i could build a fort i would.
if i could snuggle in a fort i would.
if i could be not here i would.

i need more private time self reflection.
or guided self refection.
who knows, but i know i need to figure myself out.
this is a transition and i haven't had a fuzzy one in a while.
last year's transition was fairly clear...go or stay, pay or play.
this time it's real life and not a job with lots of money and boys to amuse.

someone just began talking and it scared the shit out of me because i don't know where it came from.
it's just house, it was delayed.
sometimes when i sit on the floor of my room i think i see bugs out of the corner of my eyes.
hopefully i don't because what if i swallow them.

what if i have a cavity tomorrow?
i think i'm just going for a cleaning but i don't have money to cover it all maybe.
at least not another full checkup.
once i thought i had a cavity and i had panic attacks for a week.
who gets panic attacks over that.

am i really that anxious?
compared to people at UAH no.
in real life, yes.

i will let you go.
not that you read this.
i don't know who you are.
i'm being ambiguous.

i need to put lotion on my hands.