call me alice.

friday night:
kegger, link, old boy, incoherent, confused.
awkward? maybe.
new girl, hilarious times, sweet people.
no hangover.

saturday night:
house party, raphael, even older boy.
depressed, crying, bearded dragons, numbers exchanged.
hugs, kisses, tide and blacklights, good friends, snuggles.
no cabs, rude work boy, passed out.
sweaty sheets from being sardines, cell phones at 7am.

sunday:
work early, 4 hour naps, green tea, harry potter.
phone calls, plans made, follow through? let's wait and see.

life:
more drama than a teenage girl.
hard decisions, time is short.
what the fuck.
there are so many ups and downs right now.
i wish i could say i was just hormonal, but i'm not.
i have no idea what i want, and i thought i did for the longest time.
i feel i am falling down the rabbit hole.
what do i do, and when will i know?
how do i know?
every waking second is full of uncertainty.
every so often i get a glimpse of being content but it fades quickly.
if things are so unsure, maybe this is where i am not supposed to be.
i need things to fall in place.
i know they will, but it would be lovely if things would hurry up already.
i need to be where i need to be in life.
am i where i'm supposed to be, or am i someplace else?

the good left undone.

all because of you, i haven't slept in so long.
when i do i dream, of drowning in the ocean.
longing for the shore, where i can lay my head down,
inside these arms of yours.

all because of you, i believe in angels.
not the kind with wings, no not the kind with halos.
the kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place.
i'll follow your voice, all you have to do is shout it out.


sometimes i feel like home is strange.
not my house or my actual home, but my life's home, if that makes sense.
who and what i am, where i am in life.
something is missing, it is incomplete.
hopefully one day i can feel like the last part of this song, where someone will bring me home.
there would be no questions, no uncertainties.

random thoughts.

i miss thailand.
i was thinking today, why i miss it.
i miss it's calmness.
people there are not angry, or hurried, or rude.
sure there are times when it's annoying to have tuktuks whistling for a ride, or when old women from tribes try to sell you jewellry....but they aren't angry like people are here.

i read a girl's blog today, i used to work with her but didn't really know her.
it seems something bad is happening, and it makes me sad.
i probably won't ever talk to her again, but somehow it affects me.
i am sad.

i am hungry.
my stomach is growling.
i want more than what is now.

i need to know what people expect of me.
i need to know what people want with me.
am i merely a way to pass time, or am i something to make time for?
this is all very confusing.

in the past few months, i have been the least stressed that i've been in years.
years.
hopefully health will respond.
almost everyone at my job, most of my friends, and some of my family have gotten sick lately.
i have not.
i take this as a good sign.

life rules.

accepted into u of a nursing! (moving in january)
toga kegger this past weekend.
kegstands (2), beer bong, beer pong (3-4, i don't remember).
meeting up with old friends.
working=money.
sunshine and hot weather.
fall colors.
birthdays! (mine is in 2 days!)
gold shoes.
i'm going to new york for new years! (i'll be poor, but at least i'll be poor in new york).

it's official!

i'm going to be two things for halloween.
they will both be awesome.
i now need to get in ultra good shape for one to be a success though.
well it will be anyways, but this would just help.
for the sake of anyone reading this (not that they ever do), i won't say what said costumes are.
one is nerdy and in no way slutty, one is also slightly nerdy and is basically underpants.
don't guess either of them please.
gotta workout!

mini-rant.

i need to post twice today because i need to get this out.
ugh!!
if you say you will text me, text me.
if you say we will hang out, wake up before fricking 1pm and hang out with me.
if you say you'll call me, effing call me.
if you know you're not going to, just tell me to call or text you, duh.
this is retarded.
i'm pretty sure you don't realize you're doing it, but you are, and i don't want this silly little game to keep up.
i wish you read this, because i'm probably not going to say this to you.
i wish.

man you make me nervous.

i shouldn't be, so why am i?
i think you're right.
ugh.

the bucket list.

• travel: us (new york, las vegas legally, florida, redwood forest again, washington, others i can't think of), india, france, england, amsterdam, russia, india, japan, australia, antarctica, africa, brazil. i want to go to every continent.
• boob shots (give and take)
  
• write a book
• attend an "anything but clothes" party
  
• save someone's life
• skydive
• change someone's life forever
• find happiness
• tell people i love that i love them
• make amends
• climb a big mountain
• fall madly in love and have a family with said person
• knit a full body suit
• sleep outside (completely outside, not in a tent)]
• have my own garden with carrots in it
• learn to cook
• win some sort of championship
  
• live near the ocean
• scuba dive in australia and mexico and anywhere else
  
• rescue something or someone from something or someone
• be able to to chin ups
• give birth naturally with no meds
• road trip with friends
• make knitted things and sell them
• work with addicts to get them clean from whatever it is
• learn muay thai or some form of butt kicking
• live my life without regret
• go see mt. rushmore
• make 1000 paper cranes (in progress...)
• climb the stairs (all the way, to the top) of the CN tower
• remain cavity free
  

some of these are obviously more short term than others.
this list isn't finished, and i will add more when i think of them.
the reason i'm writing this, is because i need to move forward and focus on things in my future, and i want to make my future good for myself...i want it to be amazing.
i want to take life in stride, be able to deal with whatever i am dealt, and be happy despite anything bad that happens.
i need that, i deserve that.

my life is a whirlwind.

enough said.

ps.

i got a job, i won't say where because i don't need randoms coming.
but i'm excited!
i start monday, i'm a bit nervous and i hope people are cool there.
my dog is sitting on my bed beside me right now, because she's scared of the rain and wants to snuggle.

ohman!

i just had a crazy night.
i won't caps it all like kanye would.
i smell real good right now, i used some of my friends perfume.
hopefully i smelled good while dancing, and not like a butt.
met some crazy people tonight...that was odd.
ran into some old people tonight..that was also odd.
in summary: new shirt+new shoes+girlfriends+drinks+hudson's=one good night.
i need to do this more.

new shoes.

i'm really frustrated today.
last night was weird.
this morning sucked.
i'm expecting nothing, about certain things, from now on....which i don't like.
i went to the mall today, more or less against my will.
i got new runners, so that was good.
then i got some type of shirt-dress thing, it's hot but we'll see how slutty it looks in an outfit..i may have to adjust.
and then i got new shoes.
awesome shoes, that i will hopefully test drive next friday (without incident if all goes well).
tomorrow will be more applying, i hope someone will phone me for frig sakes.

this has been an odd day.

it's the first night i haven't really done anything, in about a week and a half.
not that i've been super retarded busy, but i've been doing out and doing stuff with people, or i've been going outside and haven't been sitting around.
right now i'm sitting around.
i feel weird when i sit around.
something is missing and i don't know exactly what.
i reeally hope i get some form of employment soon because i need to feel like i have some sort of purpose right now.

mini class!

so if i get into any nursing (which i don't know if i am or not yet), i need cpr/first aid.
i also just looked on most job postings on the health region site, and you also need them (mostly).
that puts a small damper on my job hunt (as of today and tomorrow) because i don't have them yet.
i'm wanting to apply both in health care areas and just bars/restaurants, cause i figure either way i'll get something i need - either experience, or loads of paper.
anyhizzle, i just signed up for a mid-week course that i need for cpr/first aid, and i'm pretty excited.
plus it's good that it will be useful for jobs and school.
i mean, it's stinking expensive, it's gonna suck to have to go to a class for 2 whole days straight, but i'm actually pumped.
i love doing "gross" first aid things.
hopefully it's not just full of old farts, cause it's in a community center that is usually full of the elderly.

gaah!

i need a job asap.
i just did the lame proserve thing online, i think i should have just skipped reading anything and taken the test.
tomorrow and the next day i should go apply, i need to work somewhere new.
all i wanna do is go out now, this friday i went out with some girls to a bar i haven't been to before...it was just a great time all around, and i think i need to be going there more frequently.
except at one point some drunk older lady whipped her boob out, so that was weird lol.
this going out leads to me needing money, and consequently me needing a job.
plus i need to save for school.
i don't know why, but i'm kind of nervous to even look.
mostly because i know lots of people that couldn't get one in the first place this summer, and i just never bothered looking since i was gone so long.
i've never once had a problem finding a job, which is awesome, so hopefully that keeps up.
hopefully i end up working with cool people.

it's time.

obviously i've deleted all of my last posts.
i need to start it over, move forward and just stop dwelling on stuff.
updates?
i came back from thailand 2 weeks ago, and it was by far the most awesome experience of my life.
the culture there is so different, so many little things we're used to and take for granted (like toilet paper) weren't there.
we helped get/prepare food, feed and bathe rescued elephants who had all been severely abused, and it was really awesome.
elephant nature park is a great foundation, and if you don't know about it then look it up.
we lived in a hill tribe for 4 days, that was really cool, but very dirty, smelly, and there wasn't much of anything there.....it was pretty ghetto.
we then did lots of cool things for 2 weeks, snorkeled/scuba/kayaking/climbing/trekking up mountains/visiting temples.
amanda got dengue fever so we had to spend a couple extra days in chiang mai for her blood tests, but it was good because we didn't miss much.
being there just made me realize how fortunate we are over here, they don't even have clean tap water.

as of now i've been applying for school and things...nursing in edmonton.
i really hope i get in, but it'll be weird not knowing many people over there.
i've been going out and visiting my old friends, meeting new people and just trying to move forward.
most of the time, i'm not really sure what i'm doing.