jumbled thoughts.

1.i'm getting to that point of being anxious to leave here.
i love my school but when i'm not in/around school i get anxious.
i don't belong here.
is it bad that sometimes i can't wait to finish just so i can leave certain people behind?
maybe.
then i feel guilty.
the last time we went away and i had a panic attack was a sign.
i don't feel like i'm in, i feel like i'm out.

2. sometimes i think back and i get so angry with myself for putting up with his shit.
so hypocritical and one-sided.
i don't think he wanted me to be happy.
i tried so so hard, for him and for us.
he ended up being the one lying for months and months.
i can't listen to the song somebody that i used to know without thinking of him.
it's us perfectly.

3. it's your birthday today.
i miss you.
i wonder things i wish i didn't wonder.
i hope you still feel how you said.
i wish it was next year already, then perhaps things could finally work out.
t-minus 3 weeks until i can see you again, and i simply can't wait.

demons.

a blue-grey shadow constantly in my mind.
i see them in myself,
and myself in them.

i see them within you.
when i hear you talk,
i hear them talk.

this self-perpetuating doubt is breaking me down.
i am breaking down.

i broke me down,
and you broke me down.

ohmeohme.

he is not you but you are not him.
this is quite the pickle.

miss you.

omfg.

my roommates are driving me insane.

i'm procrastinating the beginning of my sleep cycle.

ummm in school again.
two days of orientation is exhausting.
and it makes me realize how much i need to review so nobody dies on me next week.
efffff.
i shall start this tomorrow....i did a bit on monday but i'm so tired today i won't concentrate.
plus i had class till 9.

i think my new clinical tutor is gonna kick my ass.
well, all of ours.
she's apparently really intense.
i'm hoping this will just motivate me to study and practice and pwn it in the face.
tomorrow i wake up at 7 to start lab at 8...it should be good, i had this lab tutor already and she's fantastic.

worked out yesterday and today, i'm going for a gold star week.
hopefully weekend, i'm going to try and not skip at all.
i'm recording what i eat and work out and hopefully i'll see results.
i'm currently kinda hungry but i'm already in bed so eff that.

tonight's issues.

immediate problem one:
i ate two cupcakes.
but they were like 7 hours apart.
but they were filled with fudge and sooooo good.
however this doesn't help me in my quest to get a smaller self.
(dear me, stop justifying this, even if they're your favorite it's still not ok)

problem two:
one of my girlfriends went home crying.
with her asshole boyfriend.
who lied to her (in reality he lied to all 3 of us girls) twice tonight.
you can't say you left and your friends left, when you were there and so were they.
don't pretend they left just so you can spy on your girl, you insecure douchebag.

problem three:
you remind me of many bad bad nights in the past.
don't lie to her.
don't take her outside and corner her.
don't get in her face and yell at her.
don't get in her friends face (aka my face) when i call you out on your shit.
be a man and own up to what you did.
you will not disrespect my friends in front of me and expect that it will go over well.
trust me, i will win this.

bring it on.

baaahhh.

legit.
why does the universe not make timing correct for once.
one more year is a long time to wait.
now that he told me what he wants it's even longer.
hopefully life works out.