WOW

an extremely recent and surprising turn of events have now led to the forecast of calgary being a little more drama-full than i initially thought.
perhaps not drama but more cognitive dissonance.
are "signs" really signs?
do things really happen as they are meant to?
if yes, how the fuck do you choose what to do.

this is serious business and i have t-minus 6 days and 20 minutes to figure it out.

yessss.

only: 1 more day of waking up at 6.
1 more exam in 2011.
4 more days to canmore.
6 more days to calgary.
11 days to girls trip in banff.
20 days until i leave for costa rica.
21 days until i land in my temporary home for the following 5 weeks.
only one more year of school.
one more year of edmonton.

bring it on,
let's get this show on the road.

it's like you're screaming, and no one can hear.
you almost feel ashamed.
that someone could be that important,
that without them, you feel like nothing.
no one will ever understand how much it hurts.

you feel hopeless,
like nothing can save you.
and when it's over, and it's gone,
you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back,
so that you could have the good.


there are many points in my life where things could have gone so differently.
forks in the road were common, and i know i chose some wrong ones.
i do my best to not regret.
but i often catch these thoughts and daydreams niggling in the corner of my mind.
i wish i could rewind to times where i truly felt unconditionally loved.
to be content in my mind and body, because who i'm with erases any doubt.
to be loved and to love back.
i want to feel that raw, purity again.

blarg.

it would be so so good if you could just admit it.
then i could just admit it.
and then things would work out and it would be just lovely.

am i the turtle or the rabbit?

who knows,
either way at some point i will be left behind.

mirrors.

i don't really like them.
i feel gross in them.
then i feel gross in me.
looking at girls makes me very self aware.
i don't like that part.

disorganised thoughts.

but not behavior.
you're in for a real treat.
drunk blogging is my most honest.
well, perhaps not.
i'm always honest.
this is me at my rawest.

late nights,
girlfriends,
wine nights.

therapy sessions without intentions.
aggressions, regressions, reflections.

way back when,
i used those boys to fill the void.

did you ever feel love again?
did you ever feel loved again?
i did.
i do.

sometimes the key to growing up is to not grow up.
i'll be silly and do what i want.
nobody will tell me not to.

once you start selling do you ever go back?
who knows if i can love that.
you know how it is.
you know how it was.
so does everyone else.
i don't know if this is a chapter in your life i can contribute to.

today i saw a red arrow bus shuttle.
i wondered what the reaction would be if i just got on it.
who knows to where.
the next bus out from here to there.
i heard my parents on my voicemail, i saw their faces.
i went home instead.

if napping is good therapy i need more of it.
sometimes you make me nervous.
what i wouldn't give to have you chosen differently.
to have you decide what i wished.

i remember when i kissed you last.
kissing is different than kissing back.
i don't remember when you kissed me last.

days are up.
some days are down.
stoicism is the game i play.
it's good to have ladies who feel the same.
at least about what they miss and want.
it's harder when you're older and it's less hopeful.

perhaps i will buy a leather jacket,
and cry for others in pajamas.

in monopoly i want boardwalk but i just get baltic.
fuck baltic i get mediterranean.
i will be the iron to iron out the kinks.
someone buy me star wars monopoly?
pleasepleaseplease it's been years and it's nowhere to be found.

if i could build a fort i would.
if i could snuggle in a fort i would.
if i could be not here i would.

i need more private time self reflection.
or guided self refection.
who knows, but i know i need to figure myself out.
this is a transition and i haven't had a fuzzy one in a while.
last year's transition was fairly clear...go or stay, pay or play.
this time it's real life and not a job with lots of money and boys to amuse.

someone just began talking and it scared the shit out of me because i don't know where it came from.
it's just house, it was delayed.
sometimes when i sit on the floor of my room i think i see bugs out of the corner of my eyes.
hopefully i don't because what if i swallow them.

what if i have a cavity tomorrow?
i think i'm just going for a cleaning but i don't have money to cover it all maybe.
at least not another full checkup.
once i thought i had a cavity and i had panic attacks for a week.
who gets panic attacks over that.

am i really that anxious?
compared to people at UAH no.
in real life, yes.

i will let you go.
not that you read this.
i don't know who you are.
i'm being ambiguous.

i need to put lotion on my hands.

interpretation.

in my dreams i know exactly who you are.
i know the lines in your face.
i predict your every move.
i know you inside and out.

but when i wake up it's all fuzzy.
your face is a blur and i can't tell who you are.
i have nothing to identify you by.
i forget.

to-do.

1. don't go crazy and get committed.
2. establish proper sleep patterns.
3. get in shape (this one is never fricking ending)
4. don't get sick, start wearing a jacket.
5. water water water water water.

a little rant for your enjoyment.

i expect respect.
i expect it personally.
i expect that my friends are respected.
especially from my friends.
especially from the people in my life who i treat with respect.
remember that time when we aren't in junior high anymore?
remember that time when we all have bigger, more important grown-up problems to deal with?
i think it's great that when the incident was the other way around i accepted responsibility.
this time, however, nobody accepts the responsibility.
instead of your situation being a mirror image of mine, where we can act like adults and move forward, you deny.
you deny, you lie, you disrespect.

funny, how embarrassment after a night of drinking leads to this shameful behaviour.
instead of just apologizing and righting the wrong, it gets dragged out into what it's become.
funny, how a night of drinking can let your true colors show.

bright side?
my eyes are wide open and i can see right through you.
i see my friends for who they are, and what they are.
i know who's on the good list.

let's hope you smarten up, i know you aren't stupid.

decisions, decisions.

cognitive dissonance is a bitch.