me vs them.

it's hard to figure out when exactly you lose yourself.
sometimes the realization comes quickly when you're driving down a highway or on the couch watching tv.
it can hit you like a ton of bricks and send your mind spinning out of control.
or it can slowly creep up on you and you only notice you weren't you, when you became you again.

losing you is a gradual process.
one too many compromises, one too many times you gave in.
even being determined not to lose you is no guarantee of keeping you.

oh what's that?

you just got gas for the first time in over a month?
that's because you insisted on taking my car, ass.

good thing you have no spawn.
fuck you.

it's been a while.

it's been a while for a lot of things.

just now i deleted the music i downloaded when we first met.
i don't listen to it.
and if i hear it, it just reminds me of you.
i don't need to question things anymore.

you say one thing and just do another, and i don't really have the time for that.
i was distracted, stressed, anxious, and tired.
for weeks.
after barely weeks.
how is that any good?

your actions reaffirm my decision.
they give me confidence in what i wanted.
they assure me of your character.

they say actions speak louder than words.
well, you're yelling now.

salad.

beans, corn, tomato, avacado.
way delicious.

having a hoo-hoo sucks.
i think too much.

nice of you to not invite me,
assholes.
nice of you to not reply to me,
assholes.
nice of you to not care,
assholes.
thank god i'm moving.

assholes.

blar da blar.

ummmmmm i hate homework that takes this long.
it's very confusing and a lot of work for not many marks.
i should definitely just go finish it.

phew.

it feels good to take charge.
now that all of that is off my chest, i can relax.
life can now just unfold.
what will happen, will.

well guess what,

i'm not 15.
if i ask you to communicate better with me, and give me the respect i deserve, you need to follow through with that.
you don't give me 12 hours notice, after i chase you down, to tell me that you're inviting yourself over.
don't just assume it's ok when you know how busy i am.
if i ask you to plan ahead and let me know when you do, i expect you to actually let me know when you do.
if you knew on wednesday you should have told me on wednesday.
not thursday evening when i phone you, and then you get mad at me.
how is that fair?
get a hotel next time, because i'm not going to feel uncomfortable in my own house.
i'll respect your rules in your house, but you better respect me in my house.
this is my house.

aiewhraw ehpaweuhaefjaweimsomadatyoueoihaweifhwefanwe.

haha.

that was sarcastic.
ball is in my court.
perhaps you don't realize this.
definitely getting to be over it.
the 2/3 away isn't really working for me.
this is gonna turn into a friends with benefits thing, but i'm not into that.
talking to new people is good.
especially when they're similar and have similar values and wants.
i'm not gonna worry too much.
it's just nice to know that there are still people i can easily click with (thus far).
we shall see how this unfolds.

if you don't have the time, i'm not going to waste mine chasing you.

basically my friend is telling me to be honest with myself and straight up with everyone else.
this is a really hard thing to do.
i don't know how to figure out exactly what i want.
i think i know but it's just really hard, life is in the way.
why?
august - calgary
september - edmonton
october - calgary
so someone has to be willing to bounce around with me.
i can't stay here or be with someone up here.
and i'm gonna get my ass kicked in my last semester.
so i dunno what i want, but i want that thing to work out.
whatever it is.

mmm.

gah.
always unsure of happenings.
i need to relax and let life unfold.

i'm glad i put my foot down that night.
i can't go there now.

hopefully life works out.
i don't want my biggest fear to come true.

i think i'm gonna challenge myself this month....as much yoga as i can.

to the person who stole the back tire off my bike.

FUCK YOU. i hope you get hit on the road. i hope you break too fast and fly over the handlebars. i hope you skid out and your face gets torn to bits. go fuck yourself.

important question.

do you think a narwhal has ever accidentally crash-stabbed into something and gotten stuck?

(also how ridiculous would that be!?)

the updated bucket list.

• travel: us (new york, las vegas legally, florida, redwood forest again, washington, others i can't think of), india, france, england, amsterdam, russia, india, japan, australia, antarctica, africa, brazil. costa rica. i want to go to every continent.
• boob shots (give and take)
• write a book
• attend an "anything but clothes" party
• save someone's life
• skydive
• change someone's life forever
• find lifelong happiness
• tell people i love that i love them (in progress)
• make amends
• climb/hike a big mountain
• fall madly in love and have a family with said person
• knit a full body suit
• sleep outside (completely outside, not in a tent)
• have my own garden with carrots and zucchini
• learn to cook
• win some sort of championship
• live near the ocean
• scuba dive in australia and mexico and anywhere else
• rescue something or someone from something or someone
• be able to do 5 chin ups
• give birth naturally with no pain meds
• road trip with friends
• volunteer baby-snuggle sick children
• make knitted things and sell them
• work with addicts to get them clean from whatever it is
• learn muay thai or some form of butt kicking
• live my life without regret
• go see mt. rushmore
• make 1000 paper cranes (in progress...)
• climb the stairs (all the way, to the top) of the CN tower
• remain cavity free
• see a narwhal in the ocean
• kick unhealthy eating
• start jogging
• bungee jump
• ride a mechanical bull
• go go-karting!
• white water raft in alberta/bc
• explore caves in canada
• party in ibiza
• float in the dead sea
• see the pyramids and ride on a camel
• deep sea salmon fishing
• perfect a BACNCHZ recipe

pleasepleaseplease,

just go the fuck away.

hmm.

i wish to become a ghost to you.
you can reminisce about the past when you read my updates.
you can think of me when you see old familiarities.
perhaps you will try to bring me out.
but i will slowly keep fading away.

so far so good.

my minor freakout was unintentional and a little out of proportion.
i had nothing to worry about.
i just hated the feeling back then, and i hope to avoid it.
i blame old him.
it's hard to so openly just trust people when you're used to getting hurt.

blah.

liking boys sucks.
it's probably the worst feeling ever.
i hate not knowing.
and then feeling like i'll be completely alone forever.
it would be nice if shit could just work out for once.

ok.

but for real how do i not mess this up?
hopefully he stays a gentleman now.
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
legit liking someone is not the most fun when you don't know what's gonna happen.

fuck you.

the second last time, you nearly thought i was someone else.
i knew it.
i denied it.
i know it.
i hate it.
it's driving me up the wall because i can't call you on it.
i've moved on.
i'm about to leave to see someone better, who actually cares, who is a gentleman, and who treats me how i deserve to be treated.
it still just pisses me the fuck off, that after that long, this is who you are.
i love you, but i just hate you.

i'll never forget.

this song brings me back to you when you're far away.
not in a romantic way.
but it keeps you close when we're far apart.
there was physical distance and now i feel maybe emotional distance.
who knows.

i listen when i miss you.

memory.

it's strange how after two years i can still recall your phone number.
it was lost for a while but i find that it's in my brain now.
it had become so automatic who knows if it will ever be erased.

life.

i never want to feel like i am no longer my own person.

mr. tatum.

"he could literally fart directly in my face and i would be thankful"

yess.

3 days till i'm done.
3 days till she arrives.
8 days till home time.
12 days till party time.
14 days till home time.
22 days till school.
25 days till DR.

t-minus 8 (but potentially only 5) months until my escape from etown.

language.

give me release,
let the waves of time and space surround me,
yeah.

cause i need room to breathe,
let me float back to the place you found me.
i'll be ok.



(it would be perfect if i could say this to you. little do you know, i've already moved on. i hope you know what you're missing out on.)

people are retarded.

1. i knew it, you suck.
2. asshole.
3. i'm still really mad at you even though i can't really admit it.
4. that probably won't happen again.
5. dear person i barely know, stop calling me pet names. it's weird.
6. share the bacon, assholes.
7. stop telling me my current school/career choice is useless.
8. i'm so frustrated in the most general way possible, i don't even know where to begin.

ah yes.

so good to relax.
minus all the awful food i've eaten today, and probably will continue to eat.
tomorrow i shall begin working out again.
i deserve a weekend of lazy after finishing clinical.
only two more weeks, a week of exams, then the new semester.

0.5 weeks to home/dance party/confusing boy/best friends.
2.5 weeks to lauren/best days ever.
4 weeks to elements/rage dancing/that amazing feeling with amazing people.
5 weeks to dominican for 3 days/family visits/swim out bedroom and swim up pool bar.

it's gonna get real good, real soon.

ghosts.

it kinda sucks to see you wearing things i bought you, with your new girlfriend.
i wonder if you think of me when you put them on.

life lessons.

1) don't be rude to me when you tell me shit about a person you don't know.
2) why do you feel the need to tell me this shit when you know it's probably BS and it'll make me anxious?
3) it's stressful making sure people don't die.
4) it's amazing watching people heal.
5) i think these feelings are becoming more frequent.

what feelings?
i am apathetic.
towards this place and towards these people.
i am anxious.
about these people and those people.
i am lonely.
because of the physical distance and the emotional distance.

but don't worry, i can put on a good show for you.

mini sentence updates, in no particular order.

mm muscles.
8 packs are a plus but i feel like the number of abs is directly correlated to level of douchebaggery.
we shall see.

why do new potential ass guys come in when old whothefuckknowswhatsgoingon boys decide to make things complicated?

i just want to dance like that last night.
i want to be there.
i want to feel alive.

i don't know you anymore.
this time last year we were much closer and now you're a ghost.
most of the time we're silent.
we are there, but not present.

there was a certain smell of last summer that i miss.
coffee, ikea candles, early bike rides to class, wet grass in the morning.
a random intoxicating mixture.
life seemed more simple back then, but perhaps life is more simple now.

9 months.

update.

i got my tattoooooos yesterday.
well, technically the day before yesterday.
on the 13.
love love love love love love them.
i'm still so pumped.
i'm so happy i did it.

i just want to go home.

that's all.

reflections.

i look smaller.
i feel smaller.
my clothes are more comfortable.

but when i look in the mirror i still see flaws.
it would be nice if i just had smooth skin and even bits.
i'm certain one of my legs is 1/4 of an inch shorter than the other.
my hips reflect that, and i'm not a great fan.

i doubt that any amount of getting in shape will change that much.
too bad.

i still remember everything he said to me so long ago.
you would think it would go away, but it doesn't.
it echoes in my mind and lingers there for a while.
after over 10 years, i don't want to hear your voice anymore.

next tuesday: tattoos (2).

tattoo (two)esday.

we, haven't located us, yet.

i want to dance and sing and feel your heartbeat next to mine.
i want to feel the music and the people and the love.

escape from etown ensues, t-minus 10 months.

i'm pulling away.
let's see how long it takes you to notice.

today,

i am healthy.
i am not sick.
i can breathe, and i can sleep.
i do not need to worry.

when you're ready just say you're ready,
when all the baggage just ain't as heavy,
and the party's over just don't forget me,
we'll change the pace and we'll just go slow.

aaah!

totes magotes that show was better than i ever imagined.
i was so nervous.
but it was so worth it.
best feeling in the world.

he was great.
they were all great.
it was great.

personal record for consecutive hours danced?
9

this week makes me realize how much i need to be back home.
everything that goes on when we get together feels like that's exactly how life should be.
it's so amazing it scares me a little.

can't wait until elements.
old girlfriends, new friends, him.
<3

aah!

so excited for tonight.
i'm gonna dance my pants off (but not literally cause i'm wearing shorts).
hopefully the randoms coming are nice and not slutty.
and hopefully all goes well in calgary this week.

yay for good times with good friends
<3

so sessy.

single + valentine's day = me cooking dinner in my underwear.
oh yes.

dear life,

Y U SO CONFUSING?!?!

yessss!

since january 1 i've been trying to get back in shape.
i've been eating really healthy, lots of fruits and veggies, healthy fats and lean proteins.
i didn't eat fast food at all in january, and so far in feb i've only had dq ice cream once on a friend's birthday.
mind you i still like snacks, i've eaten cake and i've had chocolate pretty frequently (i'll never ever ever give this one up).
i've started working out a few times a week and i feel fantastic.
aside from this week where i've been staying up super late, i've had a lot more energy than before christmas.

but the best part is, i just put on a pair of jeans i haven't been able to wear in about a year (give or take, i don't remember when i put it in my "hopefully these will fit again someday" stash).

i can't even describe this feeling.
as annoyed as i get with some of my friends and people i know for trying to take the easy way out, i have been kicking my own ass into shape and it's actually working.
getting in shape the healthy way is hard but it's completely worth it.

i'm not stopping now, i still want to tone up and be less flabby but this is the first time i tried those pants on since i started.
i was actually nervous to go upstairs and put them on, but i'm so glad i did.

winning!

fml.

now i'm getting anxiety about you and it sucks.
in a perfect world it would all work out.
hopefully i'm overthinking things and nothing is going on.
we'll find out in two weeks.

jumbled thoughts.

1.i'm getting to that point of being anxious to leave here.
i love my school but when i'm not in/around school i get anxious.
i don't belong here.
is it bad that sometimes i can't wait to finish just so i can leave certain people behind?
maybe.
then i feel guilty.
the last time we went away and i had a panic attack was a sign.
i don't feel like i'm in, i feel like i'm out.

2. sometimes i think back and i get so angry with myself for putting up with his shit.
so hypocritical and one-sided.
i don't think he wanted me to be happy.
i tried so so hard, for him and for us.
he ended up being the one lying for months and months.
i can't listen to the song somebody that i used to know without thinking of him.
it's us perfectly.

3. it's your birthday today.
i miss you.
i wonder things i wish i didn't wonder.
i hope you still feel how you said.
i wish it was next year already, then perhaps things could finally work out.
t-minus 3 weeks until i can see you again, and i simply can't wait.

demons.

a blue-grey shadow constantly in my mind.
i see them in myself,
and myself in them.

i see them within you.
when i hear you talk,
i hear them talk.

this self-perpetuating doubt is breaking me down.
i am breaking down.

i broke me down,
and you broke me down.

ohmeohme.

he is not you but you are not him.
this is quite the pickle.

miss you.

omfg.

my roommates are driving me insane.

i'm procrastinating the beginning of my sleep cycle.

ummm in school again.
two days of orientation is exhausting.
and it makes me realize how much i need to review so nobody dies on me next week.
efffff.
i shall start this tomorrow....i did a bit on monday but i'm so tired today i won't concentrate.
plus i had class till 9.

i think my new clinical tutor is gonna kick my ass.
well, all of ours.
she's apparently really intense.
i'm hoping this will just motivate me to study and practice and pwn it in the face.
tomorrow i wake up at 7 to start lab at 8...it should be good, i had this lab tutor already and she's fantastic.

worked out yesterday and today, i'm going for a gold star week.
hopefully weekend, i'm going to try and not skip at all.
i'm recording what i eat and work out and hopefully i'll see results.
i'm currently kinda hungry but i'm already in bed so eff that.

tonight's issues.

immediate problem one:
i ate two cupcakes.
but they were like 7 hours apart.
but they were filled with fudge and sooooo good.
however this doesn't help me in my quest to get a smaller self.
(dear me, stop justifying this, even if they're your favorite it's still not ok)

problem two:
one of my girlfriends went home crying.
with her asshole boyfriend.
who lied to her (in reality he lied to all 3 of us girls) twice tonight.
you can't say you left and your friends left, when you were there and so were they.
don't pretend they left just so you can spy on your girl, you insecure douchebag.

problem three:
you remind me of many bad bad nights in the past.
don't lie to her.
don't take her outside and corner her.
don't get in her face and yell at her.
don't get in her friends face (aka my face) when i call you out on your shit.
be a man and own up to what you did.
you will not disrespect my friends in front of me and expect that it will go over well.
trust me, i will win this.

bring it on.

baaahhh.

legit.
why does the universe not make timing correct for once.
one more year is a long time to wait.
now that he told me what he wants it's even longer.
hopefully life works out.