things.

the people i need close to me are there without fail.

over the last 5ish weeks i've gotten to know a wonderful lady who has become one of my best friends.
everything between us is real, honest and raw.
it's refreshing to have her with me.
i remember who i am and where i am, and what i want to be.


on the flip side i seem to attract the weirdest situations.
things and people (coughboyscough) present themselves to me in a way that confuses, yet intrigues me.
i find myself not being able to either commit or resist, and i end up floating somewhere in limbo.
either i haven't found anyone quite worth it in a few months, or i have everyone and everything sitting right in front of me and it's either bad timing, or i can't quite see it.

i never want to settle, but i never want to be left behind.

i might be a lady pimp.

this is confusing.
one boy always comes and goes (and i come and go for him) but i can never figure out what's going on.
i don't know if it will ever happen or it won't, and i don't know what i'd want to happen if anything ever did.
figure that one out.
now a new boy in the mix?
who know's what's up with this.
he's so young.

why are they all in calgary or out of the country or anywhere i don't live?
i'm taking this as a sign that it's not meant to be, it's the wrong timing, or it's just something to keep me coming back to calgary.

life updates.

i got home yesterday from 5 weeks in costa rica.
week 1: lost luggage, spanish school, homestay, partying with mama tica, jelly shots, salsa dancing, drunken beach excursion, snorkeling, sexy tico boys, nachos bar, imperial beer, great new friends.
week 2/3: long bus rides, sexy tico man, frog searching, dolphin searching, beach tanning, boat tanning, naughty spanish learning, tobogganing on my face down a hill, jungle exploring, hammock napping, lazy afternoons, mosquito net snuggles, wild life rescue, scratching a bossy spider monkey, conch shell showers, new life backup plan.
week 4/5: tour, zip lining, waterfall rappelling, sunning, shopping, beach walking, volcano hiking, waking up to howler monkeys, skinny dipping, more sexy ticos, beach lunches, ear infection, cute puppies, the grinch, walk-offs, broken cameras, hot springs, departures.

new life plan if all fails: move there and find me a sexy tico boy with 30 abs, sun myself on the beach all day and drink mojitos.

life updates.

ah i leave for costa rica tomorrow!
im nervous.
mainly for the flying bit...so many transfers.
takeoffs and landings kind of secretly really scare me.....plus this time i'm alone.
i've never flown anywhere alone before.
(yes i'm a baby)
hopefully i don't forget anything really important!

is it bad that it makes me so happy when i see skinny girls with cellulite?

therapy.

ladies night dinners with my two best, truest, and longest friends/sisters is all i ever need.
everything they say is exactly what i need to hear.
when i am with you, i am home.

miss you <3

struggles.

i'm going away for two months but your words won't leave my head.
as much as i try to ignore them, they only get covered up with similar thoughts of my own.
i had been on the verge of a panic attack for a week at that point, go figure it happened.
the kicker is that it was half blown off.
perhaps if there was a pause and some reflection, it would have been more salient in your mind.

i haven't felt this utterly gross in years.
i remember the location, the person, the feeling, just as if it were yesterday.

the floodgates are open,
here we go again.

jumping to conclusions
made me fall away from you.

roadblocks.

so i figured that would happen.
after all, i pretty much watched it unfold that night.
it's a great feeling when you get to watch the awkward phone number exchange/initial wooing process when you're in my position.
not.

unrelated note: i'm pretty disappointed in myself.
for reasons that will not be fully disclosed here (although if you know me very very well you may guess.)
i haven't been taking care of myself like i should have been.
cut backs need to be made in a few areas.
desired results will hopefully ensue.

dear crazy girl,

if your ex doesn't live anywhere near you, free game.
just because you once dated does not mean he's yours.
i'm supposed to look at you and see why you're so hot?
yeah, you look just like the sluts at the bar with fake bottle blonde hair, too much spray on tan, and you probably throw up every piece of celery you manage to get down.
i may not be 5'8 and weigh all of 90 pounds, but if your ex was seeing me for a significant amount of time, then clearly he sees something besides a fake jealous bitch like you are.
obviously you don't realize that he's seen other girls since you....you have no idea what i know.
if you were really as special as you seem to think you are, this wouldn't be the case.
i was seeing him almost a year ago, it's irrelevant now anyways...old news.
if you wanted to bitch at me you should have done it when it mattered.
and i certainly don't need a 19 year old from fucking manitoba to be messaging me on facebook to tell me how it "is".
kiss my ass.
(ps it's the same ass your ex loved)

WOW

an extremely recent and surprising turn of events have now led to the forecast of calgary being a little more drama-full than i initially thought.
perhaps not drama but more cognitive dissonance.
are "signs" really signs?
do things really happen as they are meant to?
if yes, how the fuck do you choose what to do.

this is serious business and i have t-minus 6 days and 20 minutes to figure it out.

yessss.

only: 1 more day of waking up at 6.
1 more exam in 2011.
4 more days to canmore.
6 more days to calgary.
11 days to girls trip in banff.
20 days until i leave for costa rica.
21 days until i land in my temporary home for the following 5 weeks.
only one more year of school.
one more year of edmonton.

bring it on,
let's get this show on the road.

it's like you're screaming, and no one can hear.
you almost feel ashamed.
that someone could be that important,
that without them, you feel like nothing.
no one will ever understand how much it hurts.

you feel hopeless,
like nothing can save you.
and when it's over, and it's gone,
you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back,
so that you could have the good.


there are many points in my life where things could have gone so differently.
forks in the road were common, and i know i chose some wrong ones.
i do my best to not regret.
but i often catch these thoughts and daydreams niggling in the corner of my mind.
i wish i could rewind to times where i truly felt unconditionally loved.
to be content in my mind and body, because who i'm with erases any doubt.
to be loved and to love back.
i want to feel that raw, purity again.

blarg.

it would be so so good if you could just admit it.
then i could just admit it.
and then things would work out and it would be just lovely.

am i the turtle or the rabbit?

who knows,
either way at some point i will be left behind.

mirrors.

i don't really like them.
i feel gross in them.
then i feel gross in me.
looking at girls makes me very self aware.
i don't like that part.

disorganised thoughts.

but not behavior.
you're in for a real treat.
drunk blogging is my most honest.
well, perhaps not.
i'm always honest.
this is me at my rawest.

late nights,
girlfriends,
wine nights.

therapy sessions without intentions.
aggressions, regressions, reflections.

way back when,
i used those boys to fill the void.

did you ever feel love again?
did you ever feel loved again?
i did.
i do.

sometimes the key to growing up is to not grow up.
i'll be silly and do what i want.
nobody will tell me not to.

once you start selling do you ever go back?
who knows if i can love that.
you know how it is.
you know how it was.
so does everyone else.
i don't know if this is a chapter in your life i can contribute to.

today i saw a red arrow bus shuttle.
i wondered what the reaction would be if i just got on it.
who knows to where.
the next bus out from here to there.
i heard my parents on my voicemail, i saw their faces.
i went home instead.

if napping is good therapy i need more of it.
sometimes you make me nervous.
what i wouldn't give to have you chosen differently.
to have you decide what i wished.

i remember when i kissed you last.
kissing is different than kissing back.
i don't remember when you kissed me last.

days are up.
some days are down.
stoicism is the game i play.
it's good to have ladies who feel the same.
at least about what they miss and want.
it's harder when you're older and it's less hopeful.

perhaps i will buy a leather jacket,
and cry for others in pajamas.

in monopoly i want boardwalk but i just get baltic.
fuck baltic i get mediterranean.
i will be the iron to iron out the kinks.
someone buy me star wars monopoly?
pleasepleaseplease it's been years and it's nowhere to be found.

if i could build a fort i would.
if i could snuggle in a fort i would.
if i could be not here i would.

i need more private time self reflection.
or guided self refection.
who knows, but i know i need to figure myself out.
this is a transition and i haven't had a fuzzy one in a while.
last year's transition was fairly clear...go or stay, pay or play.
this time it's real life and not a job with lots of money and boys to amuse.

someone just began talking and it scared the shit out of me because i don't know where it came from.
it's just house, it was delayed.
sometimes when i sit on the floor of my room i think i see bugs out of the corner of my eyes.
hopefully i don't because what if i swallow them.

what if i have a cavity tomorrow?
i think i'm just going for a cleaning but i don't have money to cover it all maybe.
at least not another full checkup.
once i thought i had a cavity and i had panic attacks for a week.
who gets panic attacks over that.

am i really that anxious?
compared to people at UAH no.
in real life, yes.

i will let you go.
not that you read this.
i don't know who you are.
i'm being ambiguous.

i need to put lotion on my hands.

interpretation.

in my dreams i know exactly who you are.
i know the lines in your face.
i predict your every move.
i know you inside and out.

but when i wake up it's all fuzzy.
your face is a blur and i can't tell who you are.
i have nothing to identify you by.
i forget.

to-do.

1. don't go crazy and get committed.
2. establish proper sleep patterns.
3. get in shape (this one is never fricking ending)
4. don't get sick, start wearing a jacket.
5. water water water water water.

a little rant for your enjoyment.

i expect respect.
i expect it personally.
i expect that my friends are respected.
especially from my friends.
especially from the people in my life who i treat with respect.
remember that time when we aren't in junior high anymore?
remember that time when we all have bigger, more important grown-up problems to deal with?
i think it's great that when the incident was the other way around i accepted responsibility.
this time, however, nobody accepts the responsibility.
instead of your situation being a mirror image of mine, where we can act like adults and move forward, you deny.
you deny, you lie, you disrespect.

funny, how embarrassment after a night of drinking leads to this shameful behaviour.
instead of just apologizing and righting the wrong, it gets dragged out into what it's become.
funny, how a night of drinking can let your true colors show.

bright side?
my eyes are wide open and i can see right through you.
i see my friends for who they are, and what they are.
i know who's on the good list.

let's hope you smarten up, i know you aren't stupid.

decisions, decisions.

cognitive dissonance is a bitch.

dear me,

keep your distance,
this isn't your problem anymore.
even if you worry now, it's already happened.
you had no control over it.
you have no control over it.

your gut was right and you did what you needed to do.
that's all you could have done.
that's all you can do.

don't get invested in things that have a history of not working out.






all i truly want is to get in your head,
and steal your imagery.

i can not sleep, i can not dream tonight.

you are the voice inside my head, but sometimes i wish you'd just shut up.


am i the only one that sometimes just feels like along came polly-ing it, leaving everything behind and going someplace where nobody knows me?
but i suppose if that happened i would still have my mind with me, driving me crazy.

aah.

so crappy when you think you don't care, but then at the worst of times you realize that you do in fact care.
it figures.

new goals:
get over it.
get over that other thing too.
and the other one thing i need to get over.
get in shape.
stop procrastinating and do my homework.
do critical life admin and decide where to do clinical....pediatric or forensic?
take my male-caused aggression out in dball.
go to costa rica without any mishaps.
finish school.
get out of here.

it's your turn to count to 100.

how can there not be enough space when there's so much space?
ironic, isn't it.

I didn't know what you wanted,
I don't know what you want,
I won't know what you want.

funny enough, I don't think you have the answers either.

strange, how monthly you pick and choose what's best for you.
tell me what you want, but I'll think what I want.
worst part is when hopes replace wants and fairy tales seem plausible.
but that's silly, isn't it.

who knows what who wants.
i said my piece, and I'm not a girl who repeats things like these.
perhaps it wasn't meant to be?

but then what do I do now, when this space is too big but not big enough.





ps I will never tell you this, but you may be the worst.
you suck for what you did/do.
I always was a champ at hide and seek.

OH LEGIT.

how i could just keep him
he is perfect, and soft, and sweet.
what more do you want.

best <3<3<3


i less than three you.

as i wake up,
you fade away
and the world is colorful again.

there is no feeling quite like the feeling you get when someone says you're beautiful and you know they mean it.

whooo.

good lord i feel sad today.
both of my ladies remind me of one of my nannies.
one is spry and witty and the other is quiet but sad.
this makes me sad.
it sucks seeing people be so lonely.
i hope i'm not lonely.
i hope my people aren't lonely.
that's just about the worst feeling in the world.
i know it's my job to put on a smile for her and make her feel better as best i can, but it's so hard when my heart aches.

time slips by quite fast, doesn't it?

nobody ever even notices.

one day you wake up and your life feels like someone else's.

a strange turn of events.

you say to not be alarmed.
but how could i not be.
i know you'll never read this, but why now?
10 months is a long time.

curious.

sometimes i use myself as a napkin.

i've been in my pajamas for the better part of the day.
things are going so slowly, my motivation is lacking and i think this is primarily because my back hurts.
oaiwehfa ioweawefha ew.
what if i slipped a disk?

in other news, i just squished a mosquito.
i hate killing bugs.
but not because i'm killing them (they're a-holes anyways), but because then i have bug guts in places i don't want them to be (like on my wall) and i always imagine the bug guts coming through whatever i used to kill it (this time it was a napkin) and touching me.
i don't want any direct physical contact with bug guts or their outside bits.
exoskeletons are effing nasty.
except on lobsters and crabs.

fml i need internets.

i will be brief.
i hate stats.
i'm hungry and have no food, because i forgot to shop for food.
good weekend.
road trip, calgary, momma/fam etc, peters, beers, parties, cowboy mens, giant popcorn bags, pickles, drunk times, volleyball win (ish), harry potter.
good times, good friends.

clinical is meh.
i mean good, but the meh part comes from the fact that my tutor makes us feel literally so stupid and incompetent.
i get to go home each night and basically be like "wtf am i doing here, clearly i know nothing"
even though when i need to know stuff, i know what to do (i don't really sit there and think about it, i just have ended up doing the right things so far).
confusing?
yes.
i need a little more encouragement.

these next few months will be strange.

and literally just this second i realized how much stuff has happened in the past year.
definitely in a different place.

ps i burned my arm by accident while ironing today :(:(:(:(
who the fuck irons anyways?

he died last night.

updates.

it's high time i write this.
many recent events.
i don't remember my last post but i'm too lazy to look at it.

semester 2 done, sweet(ish) marks...i'm happy.
whole week off (woohoo) so i went to calgary and visited.
saw lots of people and was suuuper busy.
my week to catch up on sleep was probably less sleep than at school.

dressing like a cowgirl/horse duo for cancer money = win.
riding said horse when touchdowns occurred = more win.
the amount of high fives received during and after = lots of win.
the amoung of money we raised = super win.
drunken rooftops at midnight = scary but fantastic.
pizza after is even better.
couch sleepovers and lady talks.
i'm perhaps going to start running.
i did then and i want to now (but my sleep patterns may not allow for that, see below).

old person, new drama?
preferably not.
perhaps not so much 'drama' as 'emotional turmoil'.

new clinical started.
medicine unit.
yesterday was orientation at the hospital, today was our first of 2 buddy shifts.
one of four patients was unresponsive to external stimuli.
he was so so cold.
doubtful that he'll even make it through the next 2 days.
what a way to start.
:(

getting up at 5 is a hard task.
right about now my head hurts and i want to be asleep, but i'm probably going to yoga.
i need to start going to bed around 10, like a normal person.
but then weekends will most likely mess me up again.
goodbye semi-regular circadian rhythm, it was fun while it lasted.


ps. i don't have internet cause the network i was borrowing has disappeared, so i have to come to the lame library or walk outside down the street (it's a hard life i know).
i don't get my own for like 2 weeks.
BLAH.
basically these updates will be less frequent for the time being, even though i'll for sure need to vent.
boo.

ah.

so today was the day.
no wonder everything felt off.
i miss you even though i don't know if i met you.
:(

shame.

life win!

***disclaimer***
i apologize if the level of enthusiasm in this post makes you want to vomit.
or actually vomit.
please brush your teeth after.


GAAAAAH I'M GOING TO COSTA RICA!!!
hopefully they keep the exam date what they told me, cause that'd suck if the FON messed up my plans.
holy man!!!
i hope i get baby turtles <3

so i've realized that despite minor glitches in my life plan, aka housing being lame and being so effing slow, unorganized and generally lame at my room transfer, that i still win.
even though i'm not the most efficient studier this week (way too preoccupied with room transfer, home plans, costa rica money coordination, and overall being unmotivated) i think i'll still do ok.
first exam today wasn't bad, there were some really random questions that were literally not covered in the course at all (they were from a class last semester) so that was stupid.
but there were also some really easy ones.
but even if i get 50% i still pass with a pretty good margin.

yays!
1. i got my email from isv saying costa rica at midnight last night as i was trying to do some last minute cramming (obviously i skipped cramming and googled costa rica things).
its a 4 week program but i can also go for an extra week and live with a family and learn spanish (i'm super rusty) so i'm debating doing that too if dates work out.
might as well.
2. exam went ok today, and i'm soooo glad it's done!
now i'll have to buy drug cards and really learn them in clinical.
but that will be easier for me.
3. it's so nice outside! PLUS right outside my hobbit village theres an excavator excavating the street away!!
so good.
and a little steamroller waiting behind to reflatten!
honest if i had no exams i would bring bean bag chair outside and just watch them like a crazy lady.
4. wings right after exams today! and cheap beer!
5.i'm buying scrubs tomorrow! and maybe shoes! and i'll shop friday too yaaay!
6. i get to go home sunday for a week!
ya i'll see my momma and my dad and my puppy and my brothers and my preggo sister (and her crazy mom ugh) and feel baby kick and see amanda when she returns and shotgun beers in jorts with her and little brother woooo!!
7. i'm about to make an egg burrito.

nays.
1. another exam at 2 (yay it'll be over)
2. more cramming tonight and tomorrow for friday :(
3. i need to get housing to let me move aaaauugh.
4. my hip and back hurt from sitting funny and studying so much. blah.

7>4=i win.

things people need to invent.

a knowledge-plugin like the matrix.
but everyone can't know everything, it would have to be restricted somehow.
this way i have to freak out less before exams.

a teleporter.
to get me to the library on time and not waste 10 valuable study minutes walking here (why didn't i bike??!)

that's all i can think of for now because those are currently relevant to me.


oh and a fruit peeler/cutterupper that disposes of the leaves and peels so that i dont have to get all messy making smoothies.

dear neighbour who thinks he can sing but actually can't,

stfu.

why am i awake still?

oh right i forgot to go to bed.
my hair is so soft.
but my boobs are smaller methinks.
booooo.
b.
hah.

recent developments?

potentially.
this puts a smile on my face.
please follow through.

dear universe,

it would be so fantastic if someone was snuggling me right about now.


songs bring back smells, and smells bring back feelings.

DEAR SMELLY BOYS.

what the fuck.
when my girlfriend comes to class upset over you being an asshole you need to go dig a hole and stay there.
and when i hear that you always get drunk and become a jerk to servers and pick fights with huge guys, and that she has to apologize for you, you are an embarrassment.
she shouldn't have to apologize for your sorry ass.
it's pathetic that you're 24 and act like a 15 year old shithead.
if you hide your phone in front of her so you can text other girls, and then lie about who you're with to them, you're a pussy.
and when she tells me that she caught you texting other girls while she was naked next to you i want to stab you in the aorta.
i know i'm a little worked up right now, because i would never actually stab someone's aorta, but i swear if i see you again and you're a douche i will verbally tear you a new one until your ass bleeds so hard you die of hypovolemic shock.

interesting.

be careful of what you say because empty promises and empty threats both end in regret.

in which case, things may go sour and letting that happen is not something on my to do list.

don't smile or your face will crack.

it feels like just yesterday.
my entire life was just yesterday.
tomorrow it will be today.


hey ps guess what we aren't in junior high anymore.

home next weekend <3 <3 <3 <3

i now have to go on a wild goose chase.

basically i'm done school on nov 7.
but the nursing faculty might make my clinical group/anyone finished then, wait till december to write the exam.
that way they'd only have to get people to write the exam once, not twice.
only make one test and not two, if you get what i'm saying.
that definitely is a huge potential roadblock for travel.
why?
because they generally only defer exams or make you write them earlier if you have a really good reason.
and travel is not one of those reasons, even volunteering.
so now i need to figure out who to talk to and when and who knows what, but i feel like nobody ever really knows things for sure so it's going to get crazy.

UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

holy crap holy crap holy craaaaap.

my parental unit just visited!
they got me so many groceries so i legit have food and my fridge is stuffed and i have beer and it's awesome!
aaah.
today i had the largest plate of pancakes and only ate one cause they were bigger than my face.
so tasty.
updates: i applied for costa rica.
my parents were down, no biggie.
i'll be super ridic poor but then i'll get a loan and i don't care cause i'd rather be in debt than do nothing.
so hopefully i get costa rica!! woot for that.
i need to get my passport renewed, asap.
also maybe harry potter world in august with sister and little brother!
yahoo.
that also means disney world, ps.
potentially vegas with meg but i'll need to plan a weekend, that would be so ballin.

so i have an exam tomorrow.
i'm definitely just procrastinating right now.
oops!
i really do need to study though.
and edit my paper again just in case.

i really want to just go sleep in a field but with a fan blowing on me.
or just a mild breeze would be nice.

but for real life omgomgomgomgomgomgomg i might go to costa rica!!

tidbits.

stoned yoga teachers ftw.
yoga ftw.
arms too short?
not ftw.
new hair wash regimen, day 3 is on track.
it's clean now.

best friends always have the best words.

tomorrow: sim lab.
nervous?
yes.
why?
who knows.
probably because everyone will be watching us try to not fake kill the fake guy.
i probs should start remembering everything so far.

getting in shape?
who knows, but yes please.

saturday: discussion time with the parents.
somehow i need to convince them that if i go on a trip by myself, i won't die.
hopefully i'll be able to go, and with the right dates i've picked.
it'll be costa rica on november 21, to december 21 or something?
hopefully i'll not miss christmas, i want to be here for christmas.
but i could also only go to costa rica for 2 weeks but then i'd miss out on the country tour.
gaauduaudfha wefh;a wefo;jaskdlcafs;d fak fasdf.
WAIT A SECOND.
i just looked at my calendar.
if i go on the 21 then 4 weeks will be december 19 so i'd be in canada by perhaps the 20th.
this should work.

dear life,
it's time for you to fall into place.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(at least the costa rica part of it).
.
.
.
.
.
(and the hair growing longer part too).

tomorrow is the first day ever i get to legit wear scrubs.
mine are bright pink, who would have seen that coming?

ps i'm talking to a girl from back home.
she's so awesome it's unbelievable.
silly tiny things she says are exactly all that needs to be said about anything.
i love her so much <3

wow.

near panic/anxiety attacks are not fun.
why the fuck is life making me so nervous right now.

cautioners.

that is all.

untitled.

:(

update (to everyone): if the world is really over tomorrow (which i doubt, but anyways), i'm sorry we never did the things we planned.
i'm sorry for what i could have done but didn't do.
i'm sorry if i didn't call when i said i would.
busyness is silliness.
<3

unrelated: do you ever feel like spiders are crawling up your legs?

second update: the world isn't over.
but my statement still stands.

miss jessica.

this is my life, thus far, chronologically.

things standing out in my mind from earlier times.
i haven't said all i have to say.

hose water and crab apples.
elephant trunks and costume cheese.
squished unfinished muffins under chairs,
nobody will look there.
let go of the lego, safeway bag clean up.
staircases and exploding yogurt,
ernie and bert.
facecloths and juice explosions.
rebar, the moving car.
preschool, crying, mom forgot me.
in the next room feet away.
she never forgot, will never forget.
candy from a random piñata.
sad momma, happy momma.

baby dolls vs. real babies.
juice box factories, ninja turtle pizza lunch parties.
overalls and ponytails.
camping: sticks and bows and arrows,
feed a chipmunk a box of oreos.
teddy bears, shared rooms and snoring.
fireworks.
lunch at your house until macewan.

belly shirts and elephant pants.
bicycle racks and football rants.
mix-tapes and tubing.
skinned hands from rope,
crazy flips, landing it.

oh yea baby.
tetherball poles, broken fingers, candy all over.

let's be the spice girls and marry hanson.

who doesn't want coffee/horse swing lunches?
pendellina tumor.
basketball at the old school.

open faced sandwiches,
let's steal cheese.
wood shop, annoying boys.
secrets.
locker rice and lunge walks,
detention for constant silly talk.
sweet beats.
hot eats/cool treats, at the local dairy q's.
late night walks, late night talks.
let's sit in the closet on the phone.
front lawn spying festivals.
we thought we were so cool.

red rocks, bed rocks, family road trips rock.
broken cars, giant trees, food poisoning.
home.

duct tape, davey havok,
let's create some havoc.
floodpants and sarcastic english essays,
you'll hear what i have to say.
underpants on top of pants,

german class minus german.
poofed wheat, pink shirted boys.
wisdom teeth, napoleon dynamite, biology.
let's make foam dioramas,
for display while we embarrass ourselves.

mohawk.
out the window, down the block.
hide and seek in cars.
tears, fears and beers.
you were always there but never here.
frittatas, mac and cheese, exploding cookies.
who needs to learn about eggs anyways.

let's be jedis.
i love you guys more than i.
blue gowns, cheesy tiara crowns.
cupcake dresses, bathroom safety pins.
reconciliations.
growing apart, growing together.
i'll think of you forever.
lip rings, life lessons.
old friends, regressions.

blind and deaf but good advice.
rod stewart, beer, piña coladas.

good thing we went and saw you.

new school, new crew.
mullets and drinks.
rocky horror was a horror.
costume parties, jack parties, jag parties, random parties.
tequila.

new boy, mean boy.
mother mother.
ducks in fields and force field shields.

all day video game marathons.

finger gun shootouts,

new guy.

basement couch snuggles.
rome and marble.
prada, pompeii, gelato.
jaywalking, crazy car rides,

the window can be a door for now.
long hair, weddings.
crazy dance party family reunions.
drinks, insults, assaults.

hot tubs, accidental lost tops.
snow pees, hungover mc d's.
dinosaurs, new girl, awesome girl.
over, drama, swim up bars.
in da jungle: sweaty backs and heavy backpacks.
rough skinned elephant trunks and snotty noses.
yes hives, no salt.
it's a squat toilet, don't fall down.

windy road mental breakdowns.

new friends, great friends.
hopefully i'll see them again.
foreign land poutine, dengue, support, late night cartoons.
home time, just barely in time.

solo bike rides, camping, me.
tough decisions.
work drama, boy drama, life drama.

new york, new city, new house, new people.

byebye momma, see you soon.

time flies but no forgetting.
new responsibilities, stresses, lessons.
let's try to avoid the messes.
new girls, beer therapy.

i miss familiar smells.

old friends, dead ends?

i’ll do what i can on this two way road if you do the same for me.

halfway is key.

life isn't always like when you were little.

have courage, be strong.

distress, de-stress.

dangit.

i want a spider dog but there will be none of those.

yes i'm double posting.

judge that if you wish, but i have recent thoughts to share.
time flies.
people need to be less crappy and care more about other people.
it would also be nice if people just payed more attention.
to everything, i mean.
their surroundings.
then people would see the man on the motorbike and not hit him.
sometimes it would be good to go back to like grade 4 when boys still had cooties, you could be a spice girl during recess and your best friends spent every waking minute with you.
today is one of those times.
i miss my dog.
i want to steal the bunny that lives under the bike rack, but that bunny is not my molly.
i need sleep.
yesterday i slept for like 10 minutes in class because i'm literally so exhausted.
there aren't enough hours in the day for me to do the things i need to do and the things i want to do.
i couldn't even tell you how much work i have if i tried.
even if i gave a rough estimate, i doubt it would be comprehended.
right now i am physically, mentally and emotionally drained.
if i slept on this bean bag chair right now i wouldn't wake up for like 2 days straight.
girlfriend lunches and shotgunning beers are probably the best therapy.
hopefully i can go to calgary soon.
i saw a saying today in a random unexpected place that reassures.
i learned how to do injections today.
hopefully i don't stab anyone in the bone or kill them.
i won't though, because i will be a tank.
my thoughts are all a jumble and i still have yet to organize the important ones.
perhaps i need a test drive.

bird,

next time you wake me up at 5:30 after a night like this i will literally climb up your tree and punch you out of it.
today is not the day to test that.

untitled.

i totes wish i did really cool things.
i need to do more cool things when i have less school things.
is it lame if sometimes i take it back to like grade 7 and still worry people i've never met won't like me?
yes.
and at the end of the day i know i won't even care if they don't anyways.
perhaps it's just human nature to care, even if it's the slightest amount.
that would suck if nobody cared.
my water bottle is sappy.
i need ideas for a book i will write.
first i need time for that.
i need to travel soon.

after about 0.2394 seconds of pondering, i have decided.

if the 80's decided to make a full on comeback, that would be good.

thoughts.

don't use other people's towels to clean up your messes.
especially if you don't live there.
and if you're a maintenance guy who just leaves it a mess.

if you ride a motorbike be careful.

friends: don't get drunk at 1 on thursday afternoon and drunk text me while i'm in class.
no, i will not entertain you.
no, i don't care that you're drunk and the bartender is cute.
no, you don't need to be a sarcastic ass.
i have more important things going on than you, and to be brutally honest i don't have time for you.

when the bean bag chair in my house is reclaimed, i will purchase one.

i can potentially do my last clinical ever in calgary.....i'll have to ponder this.

i just found a small bug on my computer.

so i took some paper and smooshed it and threw it outside my door.
hopefully the wind doesn't blow it back in at me.

i just worked out, ow.

hopefully my bum never again departs from this spot on the bean bag.

some life tips from me, due to occurrences well before noon.

make sure your alarm actually works before setting it....you don't always wake up miraculously at the right time like i did this morning.

maybe open your window the night before so it's not a thousand degrees when you wake up.

remember that when you put your coffee mug into the coffee maker, you need to put the lid on it to prevent massive spills.

remember that when you put your coffee maker on the floor (because there's less of a chance that you will spill the water to make coffee with), there's a greater chance of spilling the actual coffee if you kick it.

if you still decide to put your coffee maker on the floor, remember not to spin in your chair because it's super easy to kick said coffee maker over.

remember that coffee stains (ohdangitihopeidon'tgetchargedforthat).

remember to bring your backpack out the first time you lock your bedroom.

remember to bring your chapstick the second time you lock your bedroom.

remember that when it's raining you shouldn't wear cloth shoes, even though they look best with the outfit of the day.

remember to turn what you thought was your busted alarm off so you don't get texts from roommates whilst in class saying that your music is super loud and are you home?

remember that you need to bring your supplies back to your desk with you.

remember that you also need to wear shoes in class and shouldn't leave them under the beds in lab.

remember to hold onto your pens so you don't drop them 5 times in 2 minutes because you're trying not to re-spill the half cup of coffee you managed to save.

i think this is all for now.
unless i'm forgetting a critical piece of info.
hopefully next time i have to be in class at 8 i'll do better.

today's plan.

wake up.
shower.
eat.
laundry.
study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.
eat.
study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.
eat.
study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.study.
sleep.

eye haz cheezburger.

my dog is jealous.
i gave her a pickle.
is it strange that my dog eats pickles?
probably.

does anyone besides me remember the vengaboys?
well, i found their old cd today.
it's not bad, i'm having my own grade 6 dance party whilst studying.
did you know that inhaling anthrax is the worst/most deadly way to get anthrax?
if you have a choice, eat it or something.
just don't inhale that shit.

ummmmmm it's nice out and i want to bike but my bike is in e-town.
i want to shop today at a place down south where my friend's bday is, and there are a few things i want to purchase but i don't know if i can afford said items.
they're so so ballin' though.

what else is new?
i don't know.
i'm out of shape?
i huffed and puffed like a dragon today on the parental unit's elliptical.
that's sad, i will try to improve on that.

tonight i will see my 2 bestest oldest friends annnnnd i can't wait!!
love them.
<3

lets document.

semester one done.
2 exams to go.
three day break then back to class.
bring it on.

thursday to calgary.
melon eating skills sufficiently challenged.
i was victorious, melon was not.
my head is still intact.
visiting family is always good.
my smelly little dog followed me around.

friday bsd.
breakfast of champions, drinks began at 9.30ish.
so good to see so many people.
i have wicked people in my life.
drinks (?), naps (2), hot tub sessions (2), arguments (1/won).
i'm very lucky to know the people i know.
ride home, drink with momma, life discussions with parents.
interrogation (not intense) about boy.
he passes.

i just woke up and today i get to see one of my girlfriends for brunch.
hopefully she's good.
i definitely need to shower.
i think my blood is mad at me for putting so much vodka beer and assorted drinks into it.
tiesto tonight, it's gonna be tight.

i need to study.

life as i know it.

ummm i'm slow at this?
deather is having a baby!
woot.
i=almost an auntie, so pumped.
hopefully things will go smoothly with that.

semester 1, almost done.
actually made a difference with a lady in clinical (i guess i don't know nothing?)
this is real life right here.
it's hard for me to organize my thoughts about that.
i can't take credit and be like yea i caught that junk and saved her life, but really....i'm sure i got her to treatment much sooner than had i not talked to her 3 weeks prior.
hopefully she's doing well.

a bird smashed into a window up by my hizzle last week.
it really scared me.
i didn't hear it, but it was just a strange thing to see....not very pleasant.
it's finally less ridic cold up here, it's getting sunny.
i wanna bike!
but not have that big stripe of mud on my back, it's still too wet.

new friends.
i've had lots of sweet times this month, i like having tiny classes with the same people.
it's comforting to have familiar faces in unfamiliar places.

new boy, sweet!
in case he reads this i won't spill all beans.
:)

signed up for a fitness class today!
it starts in may.
i think it'll be crazy time management that mini semester but i can do it, i've done worse.
it's 3 days a week but only for an hour each time, so i'm looking forward just to being more active.
and biking places!
time save.

i miss my puppy.
i miss my people.
next weekend/most of the next week i'll be home to visit though, woo!

my hair is taking much too long to grow, i'm bored.
too bad i can't just make it be longer.

new phone, piiiiimp.
all i wanna do is play with it.

uuuuh i think maybe that's all for now?
i need to update le bucket list.
i shall.

alberta soup bones.

why does nobody else know this phrase?

dear josh hartnett.

i may not be 16 anymore, but i'm still in love with you.

again with the non writing.
updates:
spend lots of money on boxing day.
continued packing/visiting with people.
went to new york for 9days, with friends and had a sweet time.
new years on a yacht was less glamorous than expected/was paid for, but the copious amounts of free grey goose made it better.
we accidentally walked drunk through the projects too, oops!
shopped lots, spent lots, saw sweet things...times square, empire state building, grand central station, brooklyn bridge, central park, seinfeld restaurant, natural history museum.
and then some.
the day after we came back i had to finish packing and visit with my family.
found out some ridic sweet news (i shouldn't post on here cause it hasn't been released to the general public yet) but i'll probably spill those beans later.
then the next day i moved up here to edmonton where i currently reside.
i drove with krystle and my dad/amanda drove up in the uhaul, and we all carried my junk up 3 floors to my room.
it was sweet having krystle to drive up with, otherwise that would have been an awful boring 3 hour drive.....we literally talked the whole time about everything.
love her.
the next day i had my nursing orientation which was good, the faculty introduced themselves to us.
i got all sorts of excited for nursing.
that weekend i checked out a mall with amanda.
sunday i met up with my friend derek from calgary, who i didn't know was moving here (random).
then i started classes on monday, got me even more pumped.
this week has been very slack though, i wish i was taking more classes (i'll probably regret saying that later when i get my butt kicked) just so i could meet more people.
i've tested out 2 new yoga studios so far, the one i just came from i liked better.
the incense they were burning smelled like the temples in thailand and made me miss it.
ah!
i've been reading a nurses blog, it's pretty sweet.
makes me wanna start my own.
but then the question is, do i delete this one or do i just start a new/more anonymous one?
hmmmm....